So I recently broke up with my therapist. I think it was time. It became financially daunting--my health insurance just went up again and mental and dental health services have never been covered. Also, I realized that I stopped being depressed so I didn't have so much to talk about. (I know, whoop! Scream! Yell! I took me three years but I beat that depression back once and for all.) I also realized my main issues (chronic pain and race) weren't and couldn't be address by my therapist.
Yesterday, my husband and I met with a social worker at his school to talk about the day-to-day stuff we face together as an interracial couple and I face me as a Jew of color and a convert. The best part was getting confirmation that indeed, we do need to come up with rote phrases and responses for the situations we keep stumbling over, over and over again.
"That question makes me uncomfortable."
"That statement makes me uncomfortable."
"I don't discuss that with people I've just met."
There are just a few that we came up with during the meeting. No, they don't seem terribly complicated but usually I feel too shocked and appalled to use a pithy, snappy comeback much less one that clearly establishes that I am in fact VERY uncomfortable. I'll be going through my recent blogs to look over the different scenarios I usually find myself in and hopefully figuring out with friends, family and you, my lovely readers, how I could respond to them in a different way that leaves me feeling comfortable instead of angry, violated, harrowed.
I did feel that the social worker, who was white and female, didn't understand why a Jew of color does NOT always want to discuss their race and ethnicity, much less their conversion if they had one, in the first five minutes they meet someone. She thought it made sense for me just to give everyone a three-line opening bio to appease their curiosity. But I've found that doing this actually leads to more and more invasive questions. I've found myself "trapped" in situations where I quickly become the main attraction at the table (TELL US, EVERYONE, YOUR STORY!) or the social studies teacher/travel agent (TELLS US EVERYTHING ABOUT THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC!) or had to deal with everyone's awkward responses to now knowing my racial/ethnic background (Oh, let me tell you about all the Hispanic people I've ever known!).
I stress again and again and again that is my belief that I do NOT have to respond to people's curiosity and that it is in part this "curiosity" among other things that is driving Jews of color, converts, Jews who are coming back to the fold, away when they really just want to be treated like any other Jew but are, instead, met with interrogations, insensitivity and just plain derision (note that in a recent post a white Jew who was insensitive about the issues of Jews of color expressed he, himself, had been mistreated for having a non-Jewish father).
I think people should get to know you if they really want to get the personal details about your life. Getting to know you means more than one Shabbos table conversation, more than a five-minute query at synagogue after they've been staring at you all through services. Basically, personal stuff should come out over the course of a relationship naturally. While the social worker agreed that telling people that I am a child abuse survivor is a personal detail I shouldn't share in the first five minutes, she disagreed that conversion is ALSO a very personal detail about my life. But to be very honest, I'd rather tell people the former than the latter in the first 5 minutes I meet them.
Despite the social worker's sensitivity, humor and general awesomeness, I went home and got angry eventually. No matter how sensitive she was when she said we were "sensitive" or "sensitized" to these issues, I felt like we were being called "too sensitive." I also felt like she didn't and couldn't really understand my situation in the Jewish community as a convert who is not white and now as a Jew of color. I think I'm going to sit down with my friends who are Jews of color/converts/social workers and try the same conversation again.
Also, I had this conversation when I hadn't slept in 48 hours (too much coughing) so that probably didn't help the situation. My little sister who I am very, very close to (you know since I kidnapped her) says that it seems like this issue has really gotten worst in the last 6 months for me. Sure, after I'd converted I had four pages I could write about all the racism and weirdness I'd experienced in the community. But now, I have blogs full. Still, what happened six months ago?
My sister agreed that I need to come up with some coping strategies and I'm inclined to agree especially since in the next six months will bring me into a lot of new situations where I'll be meeting new people and inevitably stupid questions and comments will be made. Not to mention, I have to mentally, emotionally and physically prepare for speaking at Limmud NY on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day about racism in the Jewish community.
In the future, I'll be reaching out to you all to help me come up with effective responses to some of the situations I come up against, especially since so many of you face the same situations in the Jewish community. I'll also be rereading past posts and collecting the wonderful comments you've made already. Many thanks to those who have diligently been commenting on the blog or responding on my fan page.
