Surviving

There are many things I am grateful for in my life. One of them is surviving. I say survivng because up until recently, I thought I had survived but I realized it's not over yet. I don't mean life, I just mean the countless complications that all stem from one event in my life that I can never take back and that only in my worst dreams I have ever imagined taking back.

On Vicodin every 6 hours. Supposed to be off work for 5 days. Supposed to rest. Not supposed to cry. May move Sunday. Have to talk to my grad school about getting services as a disabled person. Have to try not to get fired by my current position.

I feel incredibly lonely and lost. I talk to G-d. I thank him for the troubles and for the gifts, maybe those are interchangeable, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to turn. I don't want pity or sympathy or help. I want to be well. I want to be able to do my own dishes, clean my own home, type this blog without feeling my hands go numb and my face start to itch like it may hurt soon.

This is probably my last blog.

Update

Have an appointment with a chiropractor for Wednesday. Feeling a little better. About to drug myself to sleep. Meanwhile, have to call the accupuncturist and hand doctor tomorrow. Thank to my sister almost everything in my apartment is packed.

NEED HELP FINDING A HOME FOR MY KITTEN DIANA. She's adorable. One years old. Loves having her tummy rubbed and rubbing herself against your leg. HELP! I have one week or else I have to put her in a shelter. The woman who wanted her very badly can't find anyone to foster her until May when she gets married. Sigh. HELP!

Stress Level High

Greetings from my apartment where I am because I am in too much pain to go to school. About to get off the computer to do some carpal tunnel physical therapy, call a chiropractor, a hand doctor and anyone else who might be able to offer some help with my ailments. My jaw dysfunction (which is affected by stress) is so bad that the dentist gave me painkillers, told me he CANNOT take out my wisdom teeth and that I need fancy braces to act as full-time mouth guards. Needless to say I'm stressed. Then it rains and my whole body hurts...something which the chiropractor may or may not be able to help.

Moving February 5th hopefully with the help of some wonderful friends. Just did a walk through in my Washington Heights apartment and I'm waiting for the lease so I can sign it and move on up(town). Meanwhile, my sister is doing almost all the packing and my house is starting to look emptier and emptier as everything gets thrown into boxes.

Found placement for two of my kittens but the last one is really hard to place. I keep emailing and re-emailing my friends but I don't know if they're even trying to help me by sending out the email to everyone they know. My allergies are a little better with two cats gone but my voice is still pretty deep and my chest constricts a little if I'm in the same room with the cat at the same time. For extra fun, every time I blow my nose, my jaw hurts.

Do I sound like I'm in a great mood? Grad school starts the same week that my students take the big test, which is next week. I should be at work walking them through a study guide but I spent all of yesterday's class time signing to the students because I didn't want to risk talking too much and feeling more pain.

Speaking of risking pain, I better get off this evil computer contraption.

Pain

It is only January but I may or may not have used 7 of my sick days already. We only get ten. My face hurts. On Valium and other meds and still it hurts. The dentist is too expensive. Turns out he's out of network and I got all confused. Need to find new dentist. Old dentist suggest chiropractor and accupuncture. Who's going to pay for this? Need to find NEW NEW dentist who will take old new dentist's recommendations. Can't sleep. Too anxious. Too much pain to go to school and talk. Can I sit there and just not talk all day???? Kids taking the Regents on the 24th. Grad school starts the same day. Grades due the same week. Behind on grading, sleeping, breathing and it's only one day into a four-day week. Pain. Moving in two weeks. Not finished packing. Stress high.

See my sister's blog

Sob. Sniffle. Sob. Help!!!!

My Sister's College Days

A quick update

Can't sleep. Caffeine in my bloodstream. Looking at Feb 1st apartments though my apartment lease expires March 31st. Meanwhile, I saw a place at 185th and Audobon with my name on it. Also, still reading To Be a Jewish Woman. A fabulously talented homeless man on the subway sketched a lovely portrait of me on the subway and another man agreed that I was gorgeous or something. Also, need to find homes for the kittens, even "foster" or "temporary" homes for the kittens. Big test for my school kiddies is in 10 days! YCT boys are the best...kuddos to Drew, Michael and Meir who are way cool and fun to talk to and single, ladies, did I mention single?

Heart condition: Seriously fatal. No cure in sight.

Greetings from the Edge

Chanukah's been pretty good to me except that is until the final night. I came home to find out that my boyfriend's little heater wasn't going to help the below freezing weather in my apartment. Oh yea, for some reason, the heat conked out upon New Year's. No heat, no hot water.

As if that's not enough, due to the heat, I cannot run my air purifiers, though thankfully, I do have some allergy medication on hand. Too bad it doesn't work in this kind of situation. My chest hurts, my nose runs, my eyes burn...only significantly less than they would without medication.

I just finished sending out the following email to all my friends so most of my blog readers probably got it and if you didn't, here goes nothing:

Happy (secular) New Year everyone! Hope you had a blast on New Year's Eve. Wish I was contacting you with good news but I'm hoping you can help me out! As most of you know, I have three lovely kittens (they're all a year old or nearly a year old), Bruce, Diana and Clark (aka the Justice League) which I've had for a year and a half. Clark's a recent addition as of November. When Clark moved in my normally mild allergies went into overdrive and ever since I've been using air purifiers and other things to keep them at bay.

I think I've finally broken down, between money and my allergies, I do not think I can continue to keep all, possibly ANY of the kittens. I really need help finding them good homes. Talk to anyone and everyone you know, I'd really appreciate it. Maybe you know someone who you doesn't have a pet but you think might want to have one, talk to them too. These are very personable kittens. They're litter trained, they do not scratch up furniture or exhibit any of the terribly stereotypical behavior I’ve heard others mutter about cats. Bruce and Diana have grown up together but I think they would do well separately if need be. They come with accessories of course, litter boxes and the works.

I’m attaching some photos, please forward this email to your friends, I’d really appreciate it!

Kitten Descriptions:

Bruce Wayne (answers to “Bruce”): Gray, Black American Shorthair. Super friendly. He’s no longer kitten-sized. A little over a year old. My first kitten.

Clark Kent (answers to “Clark” sometimes): Black American Shorthair. Thinks he’s a dog. About 10 months old. My third kitten.

Diana: Orange and White Female American Shorthair. Likes to have her stomach petted, doesn’t like to be picked up so much. A year old. My second kitten.


This is probably the saddest email I have ever written.