HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

NOT! It is entirely inappropriate to tell someone who is an Orthodox Jew..."HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" As a future convert, I told my friends I could not and would not be celebrating the holiday this year. Meanwhile, isn't saying "Merry Christmas" just as bad? Should I start wishing my Rabbi a "Happy Halloween," a "Merry Christmas" or a "Happy Kwanza" because as my sister says:

"u also have to realize that this isn't worth fighting over in the sense that being jewish does not mean u wear a sign on ur forehead"

Well, look at my foreheard: JEW. Next person who wishes me a Happy Halloween or a Merry Christmas or a Happy Kwanza dies. Bite me.

P.S. No, it isn't sad that I can't celebrate the holiday.

Hunger Pains and Sniffles

IHOP is not kosher. NOT kosher. Sniffle.

ET Phone Home!

Okay, not ET but Igor (yay!) called from Machon Shlomo in Jerusalem to discuss the prospect of flying over for an interview with the Fellows program. That's how I got started teaching and I'm already set to finish my MS in Secondary Education in May of 2006! Anyway, Igor's call automatically made me think about visiting Israel but I'm really debating whether or not I should wait and move in the Spring instead so I can start saving some money to go by paying cheaper rent. We talked for a bit but it was a bit awkward because I was having dinner with my friend Cynthia and you know how it is, when you're on a cellphone and EVERYONE is literally listening to your phone call. Okay, plus anyone who has ever talked to me on the phone knows that I am phone phobic. Can't we all communicate in person and over instant message? No? Darn.

Not a bad day, international call from my bestest friend, movie (In Her Shoes---superb) with Cynthia and I slept in. Didn't get to see Devora as planned so hugs to Devora and my Heights crew!

Life October 30, 2004:

This time last year, I was getting ready for my boyfriend/fiance's Halloween birthday. I was dressing up as a scantily clad Wonder Woman and he was dressing up as Batman. I had been teaching almost two months and I was swamped with work and grad school. My relationship was on rocky ground though I wasn't sure why---gee, could it be that he was more in love with me than I was with him? We had been living together for a couple of months at that point but I was unsure of whether or not I was really in love. My sister was a pain in the butt! I was starting to make new friends at work but I barely spoke to my old friends because I was so busy and in my relationship. I was really unhappy and stressed and living in a cramped Brooklyn apartment with my boyfriend and little sister.

Life October 30, 2005:

I keep forgetting tomorrow is Halloween since this is the first year, I'm really not celebrating it much like I won't be celebrating Christmas. When I was growing up, I called this the day that everyone (my sisters and mom) left the house to trick or treat and left me alone in peace! I googled my ex (he that ran away when he saw me walking with friends on Shabbat) and discovered there was an article about him in a El Diario (spanish-language newspaper) praising him for his work at FIT's Toy Design department. I smiled glad to know that he was doing well but with no bad feelings about the break-up. I'm already in love with someone else but thanks to my conversion and friends, I'm only dating G-d. I have many, many new and old friends in my life and I'm happier than I've ever been before and ever imagined that I could be and living in Manhattan with two fabulous kitten-cats.

I don't know why I'm surprised that so much has changed in my life. It's just...wow.

Laughter heard around the world

So, I finally called my Dad in the Dominican Republic since getting on the plane back to the US in August. Erm, August 15 to be exact. Meanwhile, I broke it to Dad that I was decidedly converting to Judaism after all. Dad laughed. In fact, he couldn't stop laughing until the conversation was over. Of course, I made it worse by mentioning that his grandchildren were going to be Jewish. It wasn't a mean laugh, I think my Dad may have gone into shock.

Status: Mediocre Overall

Balancing a conversion to Judaism, teaching, grad school, bonding with cats, bonding with friends and daily things I need to do is almost impossible.

Conversion to Judaism: Reading through the books very slowly. Tired all the time so late to shul all the time.

Teaching: High Holidays through me off at work. Behind on paperwork for administrators and students. Having a hard time managing grading and lesson planning.

Grad School: On the ball for one of my classes but falling behind on the other. Had to miss that class for Sukkot and parent-teaching night and now find myself struggling.

Bonding with cats: They try to curl up near me but I don't have any time to cuddle.

Bonding with friends: Through blog mostly. I never have time to see anyone. Sigh.

Daily things to do: Have to call my lawyer (forgot), have to call Dad (forgot), have to call the vet (forgot), have to call Pace (forgot), have to go to the bank (when?), have to remember to eat SOMETHING for three meals a day.

What will the kids think?

In a three-way chat with my little sisters, we discussed my future and currently imaginary two or three children and the religious affiliations in our family currently as such: Buddhist (aunt), Catholic (dad), Christian (mom), Wiccan (them) and future Jew (me). I (almost jokingly) said I didn't want my kids to see a Christmas tree until they were at least 15. Little sis quibbed back:

little sis: just tell them that there are other religions out there but that they suck lol in those words

:)

Good times and bad news...

Yay! After my rabbi wrote me a cute little letter, I got out of work to celebrate Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. Woohoo. Shemini Atzeret was okay but Simchat Torah was eye-opening. Shul turned into a circus of children and men dancing with children and men with torah scrolls. It was hilarious and fun. I was up in the "bleacher" seats so I didn't have a chance to dance and I think I would be to scared to hurt the Torah.

Then even though I was pretty exhausted, I made it down to Chabad, a couple of blocks away from KJ, and I ran into my pal Allyson chatting it up with a cute guy with an accent. Then I ran into my former boss (ew!) and finally, I met another cute guy, Bobby, who Allyson had been chatting up earlier. First impression of Bobby wasn't good. He was smoking and chatting it up with two girls that were even younger than me. Turns out Bobby's 36 and very cool. In fact, the girls and Bob talked Allyson and I into going over the West Side to check out some other shuls.

First shul was Reform...which I could figure out really quickly by the fact that they had, um, microphones and girls giving aliyah over microphones and men and women dancing together. Whoa. WE got out of there pretty fast. We left the girls, two really nice early 20s-something chicks who were Conservative and Reconstructionist and were pretty sure Orthodox Judaism is sexiest. Hmm. We finally ended up at Carlebach which was packed. The room was divided in two with guys and girls dancing on opposite sides. I stood up on a chair and clapped and managed to spot Albert (one of the cuties from Devora's building, roomie of Yaakov). We stayed until the Rabbi gave an awesome speech. The atmosphere was awesome. I got high off the energy.

Afterwards, Bobby and I dropped Allyson off at the bus stop and walked to the East Side through Central Park. Amazingly, we did not mug or die and Bobby promised to defend me in case either event came about. Despite the fact that Bobby's truly gorgeous and has even gorgeous-er (not a word) blue eyes, we managed to have great conversation and by the end of the night (12ish), I felt like I'd made a new friend. Yes, just friend, people, calm down, remember that I'm not allowed to date until I'm Jewish!

First thing I noticed in my email inbox today...my lawyer emailed me to let me know that my mother is appealing the court case that awarded me custody of my sister. Wait, my sister is 18, how can this happen? SIGH.

Life's a Great Balancing Act...

according to the great Dr. Seuss. I don't know how well I'm doing with the balancing. I just finished handing in my "socratic seminar lesson" for my Thursday night class. Yea, it's the wee hours of Monday. I had to finish putting in grades first for my 100 students. I failed about 40 students, maybe more. These are statistics I will be blamed for even though I know my teaching, my organization and everything else is better this year. The students...are basically the same as last year's eleventh graders, just a mite more motivated.

Anyway, where was I? It's 2:41am and I finished up grades and the project finally. Now I have to read 3 chapters for my Tuesday night class and write up my 1-page paper and figure out what my 10 page paper due who knows when will be about. I am thinking language and um diversity and um, what else is in the title for this class.

The rabbi wrote me a nice little note to help me out on the principal-is-on-my-case front. Meanwhile, the meeting to write this letter was particularly interesting. Everyone has noted that the rabbi has been soft on me. One of my friends even commented that the rabbi seems "close" to me. Well, it does help that he knows my entire life story and that I email him like once or twice a week, right? But seriously, he wrote the letter excusing me for Simchat Torah and Shemini Atzeret and the first two days of Sukkot but not Shavuot or Purim or any other holiday with work restriction or limited work restriction. He played devil's advocate trying to get me to work the two days and miss the festivities. Now, what's this all about? Well, he reminded me, that he IS supposed to turn me away so maybe, you know, by Shavuot "you won't want to be Jewish," he says. I laughed and said, "Ah, good job trying to turn me away" and I rolled my eyes. There was much more witty banter but I forgot most of it. Needless to say, he tried to playfully turn me away, I did a verbal sticking-out-my-tongue in response. Maturity...hmm.

Meanwhile, will I want to be Jewish by Shavuot? Could I become an atheist by then? Honestly, that's the only way I could going back. Though, I must say, I am overwhelmed by all I am doing so I need to take a breather and stop kicking myself for not benching all the time and not learning the bathroom prayer and 5 times out of 10 forgetting to say the prayer BEFORE the food is in my mouth. I wish I could just swallow a blue pill and miracuously learn Hebrew. And what if no one wants to marry me? Or what if I forget everything I'm learning? What if I'm not learning anything? What if no Jewish boys want to marry me? :::ANXIETY::: I can't even pronounce Purim properly.

Okay, it's 3am. Maybe it's time to sleep. My wrists certainly think it is time. Weighing in at 120 lbs and having had challah for lunch, I think it's time to really figure out how to balance things. Hmm.

You're not Jewish so I can't go out with you...

Asked out by one of the janitors at KJ today. Turns out he's Dominican, from my parents' hometown, too. He's here in the states getting his MA in Computer Engineering and working two jobs to pay off school. Pretty admirable hardworking guy but NOT JEWISH. Pretty cute too but NOT JEWISH. He asked me out dancing---STOP LAUGHING IGOR! I told him that I couldn't dance but I was mostly thrown off by the fact that I was being asked out. It still hasn't hit me that I cannot date guys but that I can definitely plan on never dating someone that isn't Jewish again. Whoa. I can't go out with guys period until May but I can't go out with guys that are blatantly not Jewish right? But will Jewish guys want to go out with me? Yes, I've dated two Jewish guys before but they both were pining for the perfect Jewish (white) woman.

Going on "Sephardic"

So I visited a Sephardic shul in midtown east for my Friday night meal under the sukkah. The place was beautiful. The singing had a Middle Eastern twang. The food was unidentifiable except for something called "kipe" that Dominicans eat and call the same thing. So, while I may look Sephardic...or at least Israeli according to the woman who waited for the Shabbat elevator with me (um, I couldn't find the stairs), I do not think my stomach is Sephardic. I barely made it through services Saturday morning. Luckily, the chazzan was louder than my stomach growling and howling.

Maya's to-do list is making my jealous. I really need to learn read, speak and think in Hebrew. I really need to read the entire Torah with commentary. I really need to learn the prayer for after the bathroom (especially given my IBS issues). I really need to consider looking for another job if my boss considers being anti-Semitic part of her job description. I REALLY want to go to Israel this summer. Okay, maybe I'll even consider moving next, next spring if I have major help.

Not off topic. Going with Ig's suggestion of bonding with my Jewish peeps, I spent the night with Nina and her mom who is in a Jewish home in Morningside Heights. I am always awed by spending time with parents and children because it is a foregin concept to me. Must call Dad before three months have passed. Whoops. Tomorrow it's lunch with Rachel and we're eating kosher because of moi. Didn't make it to the cool little birthday party for the girl I met once (Karen!) because I ended up hanging with the gentiles (Esther!) and watching U2 videos and plotting the destruction (or sueing) of the principal. I really want to thank the G-d upstairs for helping me find a cab only two seconds after I stopped cursing the weather and thought to ask the big dude upstairs for one. Sweet.

By the way, keeping an eye out on apartments in Washington Heights. Devora, sit down for this, there is an apartment--two bedrooms--on Wadsworth Avenue and 188th Street. Woman, I just moved here in April. Breathe. Seriously, wow.

Okay, grades due tomorrow and an overdue project in my other class. Ouch.

SO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE A NORMAL JEW...

That's a soundbite from the meeting with my principal today. She assures me that she and the AP (Assistant Principal) are really mad about the fact that I didn't give notice, which I didn't. I was so stressed about the situation, I waited until the last minute to take the day off because I knew the situation would be bad and so of course it was. Last year, when I got really ill, my principal and AP berated me for not coming in and my boyfriend had to run around town getting doctors' notes while I burned up with a truly horrid fever.

So this time, they swear the issue is that I didn't give notice but I gave over a week's notice for Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. In a phone message on Erev Sukkot, she implied that it was ridiculous that I had to take two days off "next week" too. In person, she tried to guilt me about whether or not I really care about the children. I stayed after school today to help many a wayward student "catch up" and sort their grades out for about 3-4 hours unpaid (as always).

Anyway, she basically demanded a letter from the rabbi that I really HAD to take the days off to observe. I know I'm on the fast track but I really feel like I've been waiting my whole life (at least years and years of it) to do this. Once I decided to convert, it really meant to me that I had to observe everything that I could without question that I had knowledge about observing. I explained to her that converting means that you are "Jewish-in-training" so you DO everything a Jew does. That's whe the "normal Jew" thing came up. I was so disgusted.

I didn't cry in front of her but I've cried several nights today. I cried under the Sukkot. How can you be subject to anti-Semitism BEFORE converting?

So you want to be Jewish?

My principal threw a fit because I took off the first two days of Sukkot to observe them. She said that because I was "only studying Judaism" and not "entirely Jewish," she felt that it was utterly ridiculous to take the days off. She said that she's "pretty sure" that Jews don't have restrictions for these holidays. She demanded that I call her at home on Sukkot to discuss this situation further (aka "bully me to try to get me to come into work").

my sister said I should say:

little sis (10:07:25 PM): tell her jews don't make phone calls on holidays and that once u consider urself jewish, u are a jew
little sis (10:07:35 PM): and therefore couldn't call her
little sis (10:08:22 PM): anymore than u would expect her to call in on christmas if it wasn't a nationally recognized holiday

My sis is the strong one. Me, the weakling, had nightmares two day in a row from stress from taking the two days off worrying about my students, all the work I need to do and all the pain the principal will try to bring upon my little body when I show up tomorrow. My best friend told me that conversion would be difficult and now I am steadily realizing the damage it has done to my relations with non-Jews but I refuse to give up something that I believe in.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Being an observant jew is HARD! H-A-R-D! Why don't we get off for all the holidays in public school? I have to take off two days this week and finish a paper in the next 30 minutes and hand in an assignment two days late because I am behind. Plus, I have no food in my fridge besides fruit because I cannot afford to buy milk and cat food. Hold me.

Lightbulb off...broken...lost?

Um, what if you woke up one day and realized that your feelings for someone have completely changed? Can that happen in one day? Does G-d love me that much? :::JAW DROP::::

Ugly Naked Guy

What you'll find if you google me....

More than one lightbulb is on...

Sigh. Ig was right. I just become stupid around all Jewish men. Sigh.

Blast from the Past

Check out what I USED to do part-time before teaching:
My Movie Review!

This weekend was quite a spectacle. It all started because I had massive back pain (which is now just left-hand pain which will make me stop typing soon!). Anyway, instead of crashing with the fab Devora, I stuck to KJ and its peeps since Saturday I was poised to do very un-Shabbat like things. My lovely friend Nina and I, due to scheduling conflicts (as in my whole life), were forced to go to see Fiddler on the Roof on this very holy and sacred day. Okay, so technically I'm not Jewish but I'm so used to observing that it was almost painful to watch FOR. I loved it but I couldn't stop thinking about all the things I wasn't doing, wasn't observing, rules I was breaking and worst that I was missing the Parsha class on a part of the Torah that I thought was particularly lovely. It didn't occur to me until today that I am really happy and most of it stems from fulfilling this childhood wish of becoming Jewish and more importantly, feeling like I'm closer to G-d than I've ever been and more accepting of MY life.

Yes, MY life. See, I almost martyred myself a while back. I tend to give and give until it hurts, until I bleed, until I don't remember that there is a me that exists. It got pretty ugly. Most of my friends (and I understand why) couldn't stand who I became. Now, people tell me I'm so happy. They tell me I am so accepting of myself and it's really because I survived. When you survive something fairly unscathed (VERY UNSCATHED) that was almost insurmountable, all you can do is breathe a sigh of relief. An unparelled sigh of relief that calls for a sentence fragment.

$20K in debt, juggling school work, work-work, Judaism, cats and sleeping is hard but it is nothing compared to my childhood, nothing compared to my teens and nothing compared to the unbearable pain that stopped when I turned 25. I am finally becoming the person who I was supposed to be and that is something amazing. Truly amazing. I wish I could run away to Israel and just learn about Judaism and fully tap into that side of myself but even if I cannot (and I really cannot but maybe I will be able to go to Israel this summer!), I realize that this moment, right now, is the happiest I have ever been and if I could mass produce it and sell it, I would probably give it away for free because everyone deserves to feel like this even if it's only for a second.

A very special thank you to everyone who helped make this happiness possible.

lol lol lol

Heaven Send Me This Shirt

Fasting, Back Pain and Rain or How I Barely Survived Yom Kippur

Greetings from my couch where I am stationed thanks to the rain, the back pain and trying to fast on Yom Kippur. Trying, you say? Yea, I couldn't hold out. Instead of fasting entirely, I had Cheerios for breakfast (gone stale, no less) and for lunch there were chips, soda and two donuts. Gross? Yes. My stomach was eating itself and I caved after one night.

The rain is making my back hurt, my hands hurt (yes, I'm only on the internet doing some homework and surfing) so I am not at work where I should be today. I took the day off to finish some homework and rest and take a two-day Shabbat starting...now!:)

Oh, right, about Yom Kippur...wow. Just, mostly, wow. Especially for the people who weren't like me and actually fasted and didn't need breaks and prayed all day...wow. I love the Jewish people. Take me!

Fasting before Yom Kippur

I have eaten one meal. My head may fall off. Ouch. Body hurts. Stomach freaking out. 7pm and still at school creating charts and making copies of stuff. SIGH. Want to move to Israel and pray and study all day. Refuse to teach children. Cannot make complete sentences. Hold me.

My students cannot write a paragraph

Last week was a wreck. I wanted the students to figure out how to write a paragraph by using math: Title+Author+Controlling Idea+Literary Device=Sentence 1. That didn't really work out so this time I gave them a sample paragraph with the code underneath:

In passage I, To My Dear and Loving Husband, a poem by Anne Bradstreet, Bradstreet conveys the idea that marriage is an everlasting bond between two lovers that survives long after death.

OR

Passage#+TITLE+GENRE+AUTHOR+CONTROLLING IDEA

The point is to use the example to help you write your sentence for an essay about a completely different "controlling idea, title, genre and author."

Yay, my students (two sections of four) had no clue what I was talking about. Even when I tried walking them through, well look at the example and replace it with YOUR title, YOUR genre, YOUR author, YOUR controlling idea.

Does this make sense? No, no, it does not. I should be able to give them a sample paragraph and ask them to write a paragraph in the same way about a different topic without having my head explode but my head has in fact exploded.

Can I just take the Regents for all of them? Can someone just hold me? I haven't even eaten lunch. I barely made it out of bed alive. I have PMS.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

The Chasm Widens

I am starting to see how much I am changing and how much other people in my life are staying the same. This is somewhat difficult on both sides. Where I am excited about my growing Jewish identification, they are confused or perplexed or they trivialize the things that are becoming more and more important to me. Today, I found myself explaining something about Judaism with delight and I sensed tension on the part of the listener. The tension sprouted from the listener's inability to accept that any part of Judaism as anything other than just some weird cultish, make-believe THING because the listener has never had any belief in G-d, etc.

As I now spend every week looking towards Shabbat with glee, I find that it also means that I am looking foward towards seeing the people that I have befriended that share my love of Judaism and Jewish identification and, well, G-d. Everyone else and everything else seems make-believe, a show that I have to put on for six days a week. I know this is sort of extreme because I am trying to balance a whole new cultural identity with a life I have already had for twenty-five years where I was the little Dominican-American girl who never really discussed religion. And now I'm different and everyone else is the same.

Igmeister asked me how my friendships are doing and in a sense, they are fine. They haven't fallen away, they haven't disappeared but they have changed because I have grown but the friendship hasn't. It feels as if some of my friendships are trapped in time and it is difficult, almost painful, for them to move forward. Can I be friends with someone that believes that my fundamental beliefs are ludicrous? Make-believe? How close can I ever be to someone who does not understand an integral part of my values? Why wasn't this an issue when I only believed in G-d? Why does it seem like an issue when I believe in G-d AND Judaism?

My name means...

So I googled myself. Yes, I'm really bored. I have way too much time on my hands. I don't have to work on Columbus Day, what can I say? So, my first name is apparently a variation on Dara and Darice. Dara is Hebrew for "compassion" and Darice is Persian for "queen." I'm trying to decide whether I like those better than what it means in Spanish "gives laughter."

I think I'm going to see a cheesy romantic comedy after going to the museum. Then, I will contemplate doing work. Hmm. Hmm.

Laziness

Pondering going to the Jewish Museum on the upper East side then doing some work (figuring out who is failing) before finally dropping off my old clothes for Carrie. Yay, today's Carrie's first day on her new job.

Pondering eventually moving back to Washington Heights where my apartment would be bigger AND I would pay at least 50 or 100 less in rent. Whoa.

Boring, TMI and Stomach Pains

Boring----myself and others with my lightbulb situation. Being in love...hmm.

TMI--on pouring my soul to others...thanks for listening.

Stomach pains---Finally had the chance to practice my blessing for bread at a restaurant Devora so kindly took Hinda and me for some grub tonight.

New Year's Resolutions

---To love myself more
---To fall out of love
---To have more faith in G-d and G-d's plan for my future
---To learn to read Hebrew (and understand it)
---To go kashrut (kosher)
---To visit Israel
---To become the best Jew I can be (which has to start by actually becoming a Jew!)
---To help my students pass the Regents
---To make more great friends
---To practice "guarding my tongue" more often
---To pay off credit card debt (at $20K)
---To stop acruing credit card debt
---To be more positive

To be continued...

Just finished helping DJ stuff about 500 folders. Hand capacity is low but had major fun. Need to give my old clothes to Carrie tonight. :)

Cute Boys

Why are there cute boys in the world that I cannot date? Okay, technically there are several reasons I cannot date but STILL.

Re: Drew and Ben's SLAMMING par-tay! After a two-hour train ride from Harlem to Washington Heights where I almost finished the book that I love to hate (Nine Questions People Have About Judaism), I made tons of cool new friends. Yay! Ben, you better be checking my blog.

Metrocards and Illumination

Okay, so cut back to last September when I signed up for Transitchek, this very spiffy way of getting ONE metrocard for the whole year with payroll deductions and such. So Transitcheck screwed up and sent it to the wrong address. I finally figured things out and they cannot give me back the cash. So, what does Transitcheck do? They send me the amount in metrocards but since I already have a yearly card, what in the world am I supposed to do with a $100+ in metrocards?

Help!

Everything is Illuminated...very powerful indie flick starring Elijah Wood, not out in many theaters so if you have a chance, it is a definitely rental. Too tired to do my usual reviews. Suffice to say that the film made me tear up and sniffle. It's very strange but moving, did I already say moving? This is my worst review EVER.

You know it's a happy new year when...

The shofar blows and you know you ARE Jewish (even without the prescribed conversion).

American Express credits your account $200+ dollars on the second day of Rosh Hashanah because you spent so much, they're giving you a rebate. Still owe $310 this month but that's down significantly.

Your best friend (stationed in Israel) sends you the sweetest sappiest email. Gracias, Ig!

You plan to make it your business to get to Israel in the next two years or bust.

The teacher's contract---the first day of RH---gives you enough of a payhike that you can pay rent with ONE ENTIRE CHECK.

You bond with two new friends--Maya and Amanda--ba'al teshuva and future convert and you feel less lost.

You realize you're not that unique and there's something to be said for solidarity.

You UNDERSTAND at least 10% of the Hebrew words being read so you know when to turn the page.

You can READ all the Hebrew letters.

Your first Tashlikh almost makes you cry.

You realize that you have a lot to learn but you're happy about it.

You disastrously manage to hand in your graduate school assignments late because you have yet to balance observance and the "real" world (but you know you WILL find that balance).

You have cravings for challah AND you can dip it in honey.

You perform your first live prayer for hand washing and survive.

You spend two days focusing on Judaism and how it effects (and will effect your life) and you're pissed when RH is over because you have to go back to the "real" world.


The concise version: "I love my life."

Radiating Rosh Hashanah Goodness

So, I contacted two of my former Jewish friends who I thought I may or may not have wronged this year or last year. Both conversations went well. Maturity is a fascinating thing...especially MINE. I do not think that a long, long time ago, I could get past myself to think about how my actions affected those that I said I loved.

It's scary to sit and look back at your old life and see that you have changed SO much. I never imagined I could ever achieve this much happiness.

Practice, Pashmina and...um, Stuff

Greetings from shul where I have been since 8:30am. I came to stuff folders and anything else that was needed so that I could "work off" my high holidays debt. I really cannot afford to be Jewish. I am going to FREEEEEEEEZE if it gets any colder because I do not own any winter skirts. Help!!! Start a charity for my legs, oh, right, most of you have already started a charity for my stomach.

I stuffed folders for Tuesday and Wednesday's services. I pulled all the pashmina shawls (shul is cold) out of their plastic homes and removed labels and just in case anyone gets any ideas...labeled them with "KJ." It was tons of fun because I got to play with Devora and Arona (laugh-riot) and Amanda (converting to Judaism soon!). Yay, new friend-like people.

I took a break from 10-11am to practice my Hebrew. Everyone else's Hebrew was better than mine. Am Hebrew-slow. Sniffle.

Yes, I'm converting to Judaism...

So, why does one decide to become Jewish? It's funny that you should ask. Well, it all started around eight years old when I was introduced to religion in catechism (sp?) classes. I could not reconcile the idea of the Ten Commandments and Jesus Christ. No matter how it was explained, it smelled of idolatry for me and it was just plain wrong. I still was forced to do my communion because according to my mother and my whole world, the only religion that existed was Catholicism.

Meanwhile, my mom is becoming crazier and crazier and my dad is nowhere to be found. My best friend growing up? G-d. I didn't understand praying at church because I prayed all the time. Who else was I going to talk to about all my problems?

Cut to fourteen-years-old, stunningly, my mother informs us all---my sisters are 9 and 5--that we can all convert to other religions IF and when we complete our confirmation (Catholic equivalent of Bat Mitzvah/Bar Mitzvah). After that, she says we're free. My sisters are too young to care at this point but I fully immerse myself that summer in studying religion. I take out most of the religion section out of the library and I discover...Judaism! I snag my mother's Star of David to wear to school. Not-so-nice friends at school yell "Heil Hitler" when they see me. Then we discuss the Holocaust when a Holocaust survivor visits our English class and instead of being "scared off," I am even more intrigued. How wonderful must something be that people want to break you because of it?

I decide to convert to Judaism and at the same time, my mom tells me that she is anti-Semitic (slaps me). Sadness ensues. Still never pray to Jesus and my best friend is still G-d especially when I'm crying myself to sleep as my mom's sanity ebbs.

Seventeen-years-old after praying my little heart out, my aunt saves me by helping me run away from home. I run to live with my grandmother (mom’s mom). She's anti-Semitic and when I start dating Jewish guys (for some reason I feel more comfortable with them), my grandmother turns against me. Luckily, it doesn’t take much and I’m forced to move in with aunt until she kicks me out.

Moving more than eight times, being thoroughly poor, is not conducive to religious conversion. I pretty much decide that G-d doesn’t love me anymore. In fact, though most of my friends are Jewish, I do not think of converting until I am 24 years old when my best friend turns ba’al teshuva and comes back from Israel an Orthodox Jew. Still thoroughly poor, I realize that G-d wasn’t out to get me, there was a master plan and thank G-d for letting me in on parts of it.

I immerse myself into reading about Judaism so I can understand my friend’s “return” to Judaism. In immersing myself, I fall deeply in love with Judaism, feel much closer to G-d than I ever could have imagined and decided to fulfill a childhood (and now adult) dream of converting. The more I read about Judaism, the more I learn, the more in love I am with worshipping G-d through Judaism and raising adorable Jewish kids and hopefully, adorable Jewish grandkids eventually.

Rav Elie tried to convince me to go back to Christianity very briefly. I told him I gave away all my pants. He told me that Christianity is not a bad way to worship G-d. I told him I had always thought it was idolatry and no amount of explanation had ever changed that idea. I don’t know what I said but I convinced him that this was the way for me, it is very much my belief that I was always meant to be Jewish. Trust me, I assured Rav Elie that I tried to go back to Christianity when my “religious” feelings cropped out. I went to church. I made Christian friends and nothing that they said could change feelings that I developed at a young age. I thought maybe it had been Catholicism, not Christianity but I quickly surmised that Christianity is NOT the way for me.

I love the idea of “joining” a religion that doesn’t feel that it’s better than everyone else’s. Technically, I could follow the seven laws given to Noah and go to heaven: “do all seven, go to heaven.” Somehow, for me, personally, that’s just not enough. I have a bone to pick with G-d and it is one where I ask for forgiveness for all the years I was confused and become ever more thankful for this part of my life, the happiest part ever.

Grading...

There is too much paperwork. I think I am drowning. I have so much stuff to grade. There is so much to enter into my little database. I think I lost one of my grading sheets which is why we are entering them into database instead. Must go to bed to wake up at 7am to go to shul to stuff folders and envelopes.